The world is composed of two types of people: those who wish they were not related to me, and those who are not. I am told that my biological family resides on Mars, but in spite of the missions which I have convinced NASA to send there, I have still been unable to contact them.
The list of earthlings whom I claim relation to is extensive -- considerably longer than the list of those who claim relation to me. But for now I will stick with my immediate family.
| Family Member | Birthdate | Current Status |
|---|---|---|
| John Armstrong | 01-21-1957 | Frustrated that his son spends his time playing on computers rather than paying off his student loan. |
| Gayle Armstrong | 12-20-1958 | Too busy teaching in the school my parents started to be frustrated with anything else. |
| Laura Martin | 04-24-1981 | Married Steve Martin in August 2002 and has been pregnant ever since. |
| Brian Armstrong | 10-31-1990 | Causing far more trouble than I ever did. |
| Amanda Armstrong | 07-28-1992 | Blonde. |